Emotions Come and Go

If you've ever been to an ocean and looked far out in the distance, you'll notice what seems to be small ripples in the water. The closer your eyes look toward shore it will appear as though those same small ripples barrel their way towards shore building tension and getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. There comes a point where those waves reach a natural peak. They then fall, crash onto shore and dissipate back into the ocean. Of course then the next wave also comes, falls, crashes onto shore and dissipates back into the ocean. Over and over and over. 

​​

​

Emotions Have a Cycle

In a sense emotions are like waves in an ocean. Emotions, like waves, have a cycle with a natural build up, rise, peak, fall, crash and dissipation. Things happen in life and we feel. With each experience the things that happen in life produce emotions that build tension within us. Like a wave the tension builds and builds, making the emotion we feel get bigger and bigger until it reaches a natural peak, fall, crash,  and it then dissipates only for the next event we experience to produce another emotion that comes and goes.

​​

​

​The Build Up

Emotions don't just happen randomly out of nowhere. An individual's nervous system takes in sensory information from all throughout our body, assessing the information for safety cues and signals of threat.

 

The eyes can pick up on social cues, body language, facial expression, eye gaze and eye contact, gestures...all of which are needed to determine safety with others. A picture of a memory years ago of a loving parent can send oxytocin flowing through our body, leading us to feel warmth and comfort again. The eyes can assess for light, shade, color, hue, shape, size, depth, closeness in proximity. The eyes can visually determine if an object looks familiar or seems unfamiliar and unpredictable, determining threat in an environment. Seeing the lowering and pulling together of the eye brows, the tightening up of the eyelids, the clenched jaw, pursed lips, and flared nostrils of a parent can send chills down a little body's neck and back, causing them to freeze out of fear.

 

The ears can provide a 360* awareness, making up for what eyes can't see. A small sound of a trusted loved one behind us can calm a petrified body when feeling lost in a crowded place. Or a sound familiar to our abuser can alert us to an all-too-common threat in our past, leading us to run away. The ears help shape communication, as it picks up on tone, frequency, pitch, intonation and shape. Small children can tell a difference between their parents' voices from a complete stranger's voice. Parents can tell the difference between their child's cry or scream versus those of children that are not theirs. Parents can also pick up on the voices of their children over the voices of other children. For those with misophonia sounds are extremely heightened. Chewing sounds, faint breathing and even small light repetitive movements by others can trigger an autonomic flight or flight response.  

​

The nervous system also takes in tactile sensation from every part of our body. From the feel of the hair on our head to the wind on our cheeks to the feel of our socks on our feet, our skin takes in tactile sensory input in order to protect us, to lead us to connect and bond, as well as to navigate and manage our world and to manipulate objects. Pain, pleasure, heat, cold, pressure, soft, firm, texture, dry, wet, itchy, scratchy, loose, tight, light, heavy, smooth, rough, sharp, dull are only a few ways in which we can describe tactile sensory input. 

​

Our nervous system also takes in tastes and smells. Those with sensitive olfactory and gustatory systems can pick up on smells and tastes that normally would go undetected. The smell of someone's cologne or perfume, the smell of detergent, a candle or even a new car smell can send someone over the edge, producing a migraine because it is experienced as too intense. Different tastes can also have the same effect. The taste of a particular toothpaste or a particular food can produce a reaction similar to watching something grotesque. 

​

Our nervous system also experiences sensory information through what is called interoception and proprioception. Interoception is the sensory system that allows us to feel internal signals such as pain, thirst, hunger, bowel movements, etc. It's how you are able to feel your heart rate, your pattern of breathing, an itch, or when you feel nauseous. Proprioception is essentially your ability to feel your body in and through time and space. Proprioception allows you to feel movement and sense spatial awareness. How you are able to judge how much strength it takes to lift up an object or how you are able to move through your house without bumping into the doorframe or the wall is because of your proprioceptive system. 

​​​

​

The Peak

Your ability to experience yourself, others and the world and how you move throughout time and space in this world is because of how you experience your nervous system. Your brain and body receives sensory information, registers and makes sense of each sensory input and responds accordingly, based on your past experience and how you have learned to effectively and efficiently know what to do with it. If you reflect on your experiences in the past, you will notice that each and every sensation or emotion reaches a certain point - a peak, if you will. The peak refers to the heightened intensity of the emotion, feeling or sensation. For some, the emotion feels so intense individuals describe it as feeling as though they are going to explode. For others, the intensity is described as a flooding. Depending on the intensity, some describe the feeling as though they are going to die. Emotions can be hard to tolerate and feel, but emotions will not kill you.

​

When we feel an emotion that feels intense or uncomfortable, our nervous system is receiving sensory input from each of our senses, which all get sent to a part of our limbic area in our brain, called the thalamus. The thalamus then makes sense of what we are experiencing, and that message gets sent to our amygdala, which with the help of our hippocampus determines whether or not what we are experiencing is threatening or not to either our physical person or to our health and well-being. When our amygdala senses a threat, it then signals to our hypothalamus to flood our body with a cascade of neurochemicals, such as cortisol and adrenaline. These neurochemicals prepare our body to fight off threat, run away from what is threatening, or to seek comfort and care.

 

When we feel angry, we may feel an increase in heart rate, rapid and shallow breathing, clenched fists, or tightened jaw. When we feel sad or hurt, our eyes might fill up with tears, our chest might feel heavy, our heart rate might decrease and all strength might feel as though it left our body, leaving us powerless to move. When we feel scared or frightened or anxious, our muscles might shake, our heart rate increases, breathing becomes harder, and it might feel as though something inside us has a grip on our internal organs. Sometimes, even emotions deemed positive can be hard to tolerate. When we experience something we enjoy, our brains produce neurochemicals of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins, which make us feel pleasure, reward and give us a sense of well-being and comfort.  

 

​

The Fall, Crash and Dissipation

Despite how uncomfortable emotions might feel, if we let ourselves feel, emotions peak at around 90 seconds. They don't last forever...AS LONG AS we allow ourselves to feel them. Tolerating and learning to feel emotions is not easy and requires a learning process. For most of us, we learn this process naturally in childhood as we grow up seeking out comfort from our parents. An event happens. We feel. We reach out to our parents. Our parents come alongside us, empathize with us, put language to how we feel and teach us what to do when we feel each emotion. With each experience with our parents providing care and comfort in this way, our nervous system learns to organize itself in such a way where tolerating emotion becomes easier and easier, and meeting each emotion's need becomes more and more efficient. Working through conflict, building relationships, getting close to others and seeking care and comfort from loved ones feels natural and becomes just what we do. 

​

When we allow ourselves to feel, we learn that each emotion has a purpose. With each emotion there's a need to be met. Anger seeks justice. Fear seeks protection. Sadness seeks to grieve. Hurt seeks comfort. When each emotion's need is met, the emotion has completed its goal. A sense of relief can be felt, and depending on how intense the emotion, our body can even feel a sense of exhaustion. 

​

​

Tracking How We Feel

For many the above scenario of naturally in childhood learning how to feel seems like a luxury. Too many of us had parents who were critical, dismissive, or rejecting of us and how we felt. Emotions and vulnerability to them were something to avoid. When we felt distressed, it didn't feel safe to turn to our parents. Our parents made our distress about them. As a result, emotion, vulnerability and one's inner life became wrapped and layered in shame. Shame hides, protects and defends. Consequently, learning how to feel never occurred. 

​

So, how do we do it? And how do we teach our kids to do it? 

​

​

​

​

​

​​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

 

​​Head: lightheaded; dizzy; headache; racing thoughts; tension behind the eyes; tight jaw; purse lips; feel flushed; hot; wide eyes; raised eyebrows

​

Neck: lump in your throat; tight; pulsating; tension in back of neck; 

​

Shoulders:

​

Chest

​

Arms:

​

​

                                                                                        

                                                                                         

                                                                                        

                                                                                    

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​