Two Hands of Parenting

Ask any caring parent, and they will tell you...parenting is hard. Setting aside balancing family responsibilities with work obligations and finding personal "my" time, which adds to the challenge, raising a child is the hardest task a parent will ever set out to do. Some of us feel more equipped than others, while most of us the majority of the time feel under-equipped at best or even entirely ill-equipped at worst with little to no understanding as to what we are doing. Each of us, however, have one overarching goal: to raise our child well. 

 

Every family is different in determining what "well" looks like. In each family, however, parents have a general direction in which they want their child to grow. That direction might be elaborate and specific, or that direction might be simple..."be a good human who cares about others." We set out to raise our children in a direction that we hope sets our children up for success, and like on a wild roller coaster in a dream we hope for the best.

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But how do you raise a child well?

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Psychologists Dan Hughes and Kim S. Golding have provided us with the idea of two hands of parenting, highlighting the importance of both connection and correction together in raising and developing children. Both are necessary and equally important. Without one, raising a child well does not happen. Balanced together connection and correction gently provides guidance and teaching that respects both the child and the parent, resulting in a child who can self-monitor, choose self-control and make decisions that takes others, as well as themselves, into consideration. 

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The Nature of a Child

Children without supervision allowed to do as they wish will more often than not naturally gravitate towards the fun, the pleasurable, the rewarding, the easy and the shiny. This is not because children are "bad" or "immoral," but because children's brains and nervous systems are not fully developed. Children struggle to understand reasons for limits and identify how decisions have consequences. Children need help understanding context. Children struggle to see the gray. Children think in terms of individual pieces and struggle to see how the individual pieces fit into the whole. They think concretely and in black and white, dichotomous absolutes. Oftentimes because children think in black and white terms, children approach concepts as: me vs. you (and not "us"), mine vs yours (and not "ours"), what I can't have vs what I can have (and not "cooperation"). In doing so children have a hard time understanding how their choices affect others and how even choices can affect themselves. Furthermore, children need help developing the ability to self-monitor, choose self-control and inhibit impulses, as these tasks demand higher cortical brain function that require years of experience.

 

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The Importance of Correction

On one hand children need correction. Children need to learn that there is a way things work in this world and a way things don't work. A child who is allowed to take from others upon impulse without consequence will learn that others will not want to be their friend. A teen who is allowed to stay up all night playing video games will be tired and irritable the next day and will struggle to function. A child who is allowed to have what they want when they want it without limitations will have a difficult time in adulthood when faced with misfortune. Children need to understand that in this world there are consequences for our actions and that there are limitations. Children need guidance and teaching, limits and boundaries, and often require structure and supervision in understanding what's okay and what's not okay.

 

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The Importance of Connection

On the other hand children need connection. Children need to feel loved, valued, cared for and nurtured. Creating an emotional bond with a child communicates to the child that they have worth and they are someone who matters. Children need to feel significant, and that who they are is important. When a child feels emotionally connected, it builds their sense of self-worth, increasing their confidence to speak up and be heard, to create and be seen, to be vulnerable, to share their inner life and to let themselves be known. When children experience themselves as someone who matters, they develop resilience, and when faced with suffering or adversity, they are more likely than others to adapt and recover with a stronger optimism than before. Likewise when children experience themselves as someone who matters, shame decreases, reducing the likelihood for possible victimization later in life. Moreover, when a child feels they have worth, they are then able to see in others their value and worth, leading to empathy, understanding and cooperation.

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The Importance of Connection and Correction Together

Both connection and correction are equally important. Just as equally important is the need for both hands of parenting to be utilized simultaneously. When a child misbehaves and acts out against the direction in which the parent is aiming to raise their child, parents often choose one over the other - connection over correction, or correction over connection. Yet, coupled together connection and correction both can help teach and guide a child while also doing so in a way that communicates to the child that they have worth and value. For example, if a 2nd grade child is refusing to put his toys up and get ready for bed, a parent might get down on the floor with their child, pick up one of his toys, play with the toy and make aloud an observation you notice regarding the way you think your child sees it. "The way they painted this car turquoise makes it appear quite colorful when you race it. It is quite captivating." With curiosity and empathy, then, the parent might seek to understand the child's experience. "Is this the reason why you think that you have avoided getting ready for bed? It's so hard to put these cars away, because you are so captivated by their colors?" Of course by getting down on the child's level and seeking to understand their experience, the child experiences you as caring about them and they experience themselves as someone worth being cared about - connection. Once the parent connects, the parent can then provide the other hand of parenting - correction. The parent might say, "I see what makes you want to keep playing, but it is time for sleep. Your body needs rest."

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Connection First

Children need to feel understood first, and as though you, the parent, understand their experience. Connection provides the foundation for any parental guidance and teaching and must be implemented first, as it creates a sense of internal and relational safety. When a child is dysregulated, ​​​​​​​​something within them feels threatened. They feel mad because they can't get what they want at the store. They feel sad because they want to keep playing but it's time for bed. They feel scared and refuse to walk into school after winter break despite having gone for the past 5 months afraid of looking different. For each emotional experience, a child's world flips upside down temporarily, as something important to them has been taken away or challenged.

 

When a child feels dysregulated, the child's thinking part of their brain that controls logic, rationale, problem solving and decision making shuts off or at best distorts factual information. Life in this moment feels unsafe for the child. To feel safe again is to get back whatever felt threatened in the first place. The child feels and is either going to fight off the threat, run away from it, or if neither option is effective or available, the child might shut down - fight, flight or freeze. If a parent scolds, lectures or chooses to consequent the child without connecting with the child first, the child may result in feeling criticized or ridiculed, inducing a deep sense of shame, thinking "I can't do anything right," "I am a bad kid," or "Something within me is defective." Subsequently, the child might then feel as though the parent's love is conditional, believing the parent "will love me only when I am acting correctly." Naturally, this reinforces a sense of insecurity, leaving the child to feel even more unsafe. 

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When a parent enters the world of their child and with empathy seek to understand their experience, a child begins to feel safe again. Whatever was being threatened or challenged may still at risk, but the child no longer feels alone in it and someone is in the corner willing to fight alongside them. The dark no longer feels so scary to the child, because I have you, my parent, to walk with me in it.  

 

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Providing Connection

Some of us are more equipped than others. Connecting with another human being comes natural for some. However, there are many of us parents who struggle to know how to connect. Our spouse, a therapist, or a friend can tell us that we need to connect with our child, but we are adults who have schedules to run, appointments to keep, bills to pay, tasks to complete. Who has time to connect? Much less, connecting seems foreign to us; if we did have time to connect, connection seems to be a skill lost or forgotten, since we utilize a different part of our brain more often. As adults, we live in the cortex part of our brain - the thinking part of our brain. We have to. If we didn't, important tasks do not get completed or bills do not get paid. Our children on the other hand live in a different part of their brain - the limbic area, the emotional part of their brain. Consider the following to connect with your child:

• Enter their World: Kids can easily get overlooked. They are shorter, smaller. Adults are taller, bigger. It is easy to forget that we don't see their world the way they see their world. Entering their world means that sometimes we need to bend down (or even lay down) in order to see eye-to-eye. Get down and make eye contact...on their level.

• Observe, Take Notice: What do you see? What do you notice? What do you see that you would only see from where they are? You see a side, but it's only one side, one angle, one perspective. Make observations first before forming an assumption.

• Be Curious: Ask questions and seek to understand their experience. Be curious about the child's inner life...what the child thinks, feels, wants, senses, etc. Wonder aloud with the child about what their behavior might mean? Or reasons as to why they behaved the way they did.

• Empathy: Be empathetic. There is a reason for why they acted the way that they did. To you it might seem irrational or illogical. But to them it makes total sense! Empathizing with your child helps your child feel as though you understand and that they are not alone.

             -"No wonder you ran away and hid! You felt scared!"

             -"How sad! Your friend didn't invite you to their birthday party? I would feel

               disappointed, too."

             -"I understand now why you screamed at your sister. You felt mad at her because

               what she said felt embarrassing. I think I'd feel angry, too."

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Providing Correction

AND! "I think I'd feel angry, too. AND it is not okay to hit. It's okay to feel angry, but when we feel angry, we don't hit. We can express how we feel, and we ask for what we need." Many of us grew up with discipline equating to "punishment." Discipline simply means "to teach" and "to instruct." When we correct our child's behavior, the goal should never be to punish, but rather, to teach, instruct and guide the child. Our children feel. When they feel, there is a reason for why your child feels the way they do. Teach your child the purpose of emotion and how emotion is information to tell us what we need, and teach your child how to meet that need that respects themselves without violating the rights of others. Consider the following in providing correction to your child:

• State your child's intention and perceived emotion: 

       "You feel angry, and you really want your sister to know how you feel."

• Set the limit:

       "It is not okay to hit."

• Teach what TO DO instead:

       "When you feel angry, you can tell her how you feel and ask for what you need. You can

       say...when you comment on my appearance, it embarasses me and make me mad.

       Please stop!"

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Relational Repair

Anytime a parents corrects or disciplines a child, it causes a break in the connection between parent and child, and the relationship needs to be repaired. Repairing does not mean saying "I'm sorry," or saying that you were wrong. When a child hurts others or miscues in meeting a need, there needs to be correction; a parent shouldn't be sorry for correcting a behavior. Relational repair simply means re-establishing the connection between you and your child.

 

Being corrected can feel threatening to both the child's sense of self and the security of the parent-child relationship. A child might wonder, "Are we okay? Does my parent still love me? Did I just mess up so badly that my parent hates me?" Relational repair communicates to the child that no matter what they do or what happens to them that they are loved by you and that there is nothing too big that the two of you can't work through.

 

In addition relational repair can help the child separate what they did from who they are, which decreases the child's shame and can increase feelings of guilt. Being corrected can feel harsh at times, leading a child to possibly feel defective, broken, like a failure, or something is wrong with them. No person is perfect. We all mess up. We all make mistakes. We all miscue our behavior and meet our needs in ways that are neither helpful nor appropriate at times. We are all human. We all at times also need corrected. However, when we hurt others, guilt, not shame, should be the residing emotion, leading to acknowledging the wrong and making a commitment to doing things differently. When a parent can talk to their child about what happened, reflect with them about how their behavior was hurtful or maladaptive, and the parent can help them understand that they matter to us, we help them separate their behavior from they are as human beings, who can feel dysregulated and make imperfect choices. 

 

 

Conclusion

Parenting is hard and can feel overwhelming. Parenting can feel daunting or even impossible at times. As a parent, you will mess up. You will not get it right. You will lecture when you should have listened. You will raise your voice too loud. You might even punish your child, knowing full well at the time punishment is not what you desire. You will most certainly say things and do things the way your parents did them, despite telling yourself that you will never turn out like them. You will secretly apologize to every parent gone before you that you critiqued when you told yourself, "I will NOT be like THAT parent." You had the best of intentions back before you had kids. You still have the best intentions now. You love your child and want the best for them.

 

Raising a child well will mean that you provide both connection and correction simultaneously with connection first and with repairing the break after providing the correction. When you are able to provide both the two hands of parenting, you gently teach and guide your child in a way that respects both you and your child. ​

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For Further Reading

1. Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child's developing mind. Bantam Books. 

2. Hughes, D. A. (2009). Attachment-focused parenting: Effective Strategies to care for children. W. W. Norton & Company.​

3. Golding, K.S., & Hughes, D.A. (2013). Creating Loving Attachments: Parenting with PACE to Nurture Confidence and Security in the Troubled Child. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.​

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