Kids Have Rights, too

My kids have the right to question me. They have the right to push back. Metaphorically speaking of course. My kids get to be skeptical. They even get to ask why. They get to tell me how they feel, what they want, what they believe. They get to have their own thoughts, beliefs, emotions, feelings, desires, wants, and goals. 

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Kids have right, too. But what rights do kids have?

 

Kids have the right to...​

• Children have the right to be cared for

• Children have the right to be free of abuse

• Children have the right to be free of being hurt

• Children have the right to be free of discrimination

• Children have the right to feel, no matter the emotion

• Children have the right to cry

• Children have the right to reach out and ask for help

• Children have the right to play, to explore, to be curious, to imagine, to be adventurous

• Children have the right to learn about themselves, about others and about the world

• Children have the right to think critically

• Children have the right to question and to push back (metaphorically speaking of course)

• Children have the right to have a voice and be heard

• Children have the right to feel free to express how they feel, what they think, what they believe, what they wish for, what they hope for, and what they worry about

• Children have the right to make choices

• Children have the right to cultivate who they are as a person

• Children have the right to their own bodies

• Children have the right to be free of assuming responsibility for others' choices​

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This list in not exhaustive, as children have rights that are (or at least should be) more obvious, such as the right to be alive and the right to have food, water, clothing, and a place to live, or the right to have an education, or the right to be free of exploitation. Children are fully dependent on their parents or caregivers for basic needs (such as food, clothing and shelter), emotional and psychological needs (such as being loved and cared for), and for a safe environment to grow and develop properly. Children deserve the right to grow up free to develop properly without fear of harm or threat.​ We sometimes forget, but kids are human beings, too, deserving of all the general rights adults have. 

 

As parents, we are not entitled to our children. Children are not extensions of us, despite us being their parents, nor are they property to wield power over them, nor are they possessions to be prized, nor are they a nuisance to ignore when life feels inconvenient. Many parents would argue that they do not view their children this way. If we believe we have the right to control our children and our children should do what we want them to do no questions ask, we are infringing on our child's rights and are at risk of viewing our child(ren) as property, extensions or possessions. Consider the following.

 

Do you tell your child:

"Because I am the parent"

"Because I said so"

"Why would you hurt me?"

"After everything I've done for you, this is how you repay me?"

"I guess I'm just a terrible parent, aren't I?"

"You're being too sensitive."

"That never happened."

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Do you:

Force your child into a sport or activity because you wanted them to despite your child expressing opposition

Punish your child for poor grades because you felt embarrassed

Seek out emotional care and comfort from your child when hurt or in distress

Demand your child not to embarrass you

Stop talking to your child because you felt rejected by them for disagreeing or pushing back

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Notice I used the phrase "Do you...?" as opposed to "Have you ever...?" to indicate a pattern of behavior. No parent is a perfect parent; most of us have done things or said things we realize in the moment infringe on the rights of our children. But when we do, we correct it, learn from it and commit to doing things differently.

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Kids are autonomous beings with their own brains and nervous systems that allow them to take in sensory information and experience themselves, others and the world around them. They have a unique perspective, because it's...

 

                                                                                                 theirs.​

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I want my kids to ask questions. To be curious about things. Just because I have a belief about something doesn't mean I have it right. I think I do, but even if I did have it right about something, I want to cultivate in my children the ability to think critically and to analyze what is being told to them. I want them to push back against cultural norms or societal beliefs. In our home we regularly differ in how we think about things and what we believe about things. We have different perspectives, because we are different people with different nervous systems with different experiences from different angles in which we see the world. How I see the world may not be the angle in which my kids see the world or how my wife sees the world.

 

And that is okay.

 

When kids can express their thoughts and opinions in an authentic and genuine way that is respectful towards others, they learn that they have a voice and that their voice matters, and in turn that their voice can have an impact. When kids learn to impact change, they grow up believing they are effective. When challenges arise, they will believe they have the ability that they can succeed, and if and when they don't, because there will be times they don't, life can still feel doable and okay and not devastating. When parents or​ adults silence their children, the child believes that their voice doesn't matter, that they don't matter, that they are ineffective to create or impact change, and life's disappointments will usually always feel bleak, dire and dismal.  

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​When kids grow up being able to ask questions or push back respectfully, they learn to develop skills related to thinking critically. Teaching a child HOW to think instead of WHAT to think equips the child to analyze what is being told to them and take in ALL the information, instead of bits and pieces. They learn to see context, nuance, gray. They can look at individual pieces and how they work, while also being able to see the whole and how the whole works, as well as how the individual pieces fit into the whole at the same time. Kids learn to trust their gut, affectionately referred to as their proprioceptive sense. They will be able to sense when something "feels off," or when things "don't feel right." They will be quicker to recognize when they are being controlled or misused and will less likely to be used, abused, misused, manipulated or controlled by others. Furthermore, they learn to explore and be curious because historically speaking because of their relationship with you, it has felt safe to do so. 

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So, my kids get to ask questions and push back. I want my kids to question and be skeptical. To be curious. Explore. I teach my kids to "take notice" around them and observe. And to be open. Be open to new ideas. Be open to change...both of what is happening around them and also in themselves. To be open to other people. People who look like them but also people who don't look like them or dress like them, or talk like them. People from different backgrounds, different cultures, different experiences. I teach my kids to take others into consideration, but also they have the right to stand up for themselves, knowing that "me" and "other" can co-exist at the same in the same space.

 

My kids get to use all parts of their brain. They are allowed to get to feel and to cry without fear of criticism or dismissing of their experience or making how they feel about me. My kids get the right to avoid pushing emotion away, knowing that emotion helps color their world and brings meaning to what they know. They get to trust their body, as it holds a wealth of knowledge...it knows things...and they get to trust their intuition but to also measure what they feel against reason, rationale and logic. And to measure what they know logically with what they feel. My kids are asked to be quick to listen to any part and slow to dismiss any part. My kids are asked not to assume anything,  but if they do, to question their assumption. They get the right to ask where it comes from. Some assumptions are accurate. Most assumptions come from our own experiences. 

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Kids have rights, too. When we find ourselves infringing our our child's rights, be quick to ask yourself challenging questions about the reason(s) why, where it comes from, what it is about. What makes x-y-z so important? Do the hard work of parenting by working through your own "stuff." Kids also have the right to learn and be corrected but in a respectful way. If we are unable to correct our children without infringing on their rights, ask yourself why must one person win out; why can't you and child work through the tension together, hear one another and work cooperatively towards a mutual end?

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Resources and Further Reading

1.  https://www.unicef.org/child-rights-convention/convention-text-childrens-version

2. https://www.unicef.org/child-rights-convention/child-rights-why-they-matter

3. https://www.hrw.org/topic/childrens-rights

4. https://cpgn.org/blogposts/why-protecting-childrens-rights-is-essential-for-a-brighter-future/

5. https://www.amnesty.org/en/what-we-do/child-rights/